


Musings from the Serpents' Lair

by Lucivar



Series: The Inevitability of Betty Cooper [2]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Banter, Drabble Collection, Everyone makes fun of Jughead, F/M, Jughead Jones Loves Betty Cooper, Jughead Jones Needs a Hug, Nonsense, POV Jughead Jones, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:15:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 7,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26150980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucivar/pseuds/Lucivar
Summary: Nonsensical drabbles from Jughead's POV from the first 14 chapters ofThe Inevitability of Betty Cooper.Welcome to Jughead's fucked up, beautiful internal monologues and dramas.Chapter 15:A Serpent Dramatic Re-Enactment (because you all loved the first one so much)Chapter 16:Serpent Meeting Minutes (prompt frombabybluue8)Chapter 17:Cloak Room Conjecture (prompt fromDreamWalkLady)Chapter 18:Fanfiction Night (prompt fromredcirce)Note: If you haven't read the main story, these will make little sense to you :)
Relationships: Archie Andrews & Jughead Jones, Betty Cooper/Jughead Jones, Jughead Jones & Southside Serpents Gang
Series: The Inevitability of Betty Cooper [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899016
Comments: 316
Kudos: 90





	1. Riverdale (King of Losers)

When the door closed behind Betty, Jughead slumped dramatically on the counter. 

He covered his eyes with his hand and lamented piteously, “Oh my god, how could you let me make a fool of myself like that?”

Archie’s voice filtered into his panicking consciousness, with the least helpful sentence known to humanity. “It was fine, you need to calm down!”

Jughead groaned, “No, she totally thinks I’m a loser now, I mean, I was talking about her and she was **right there**!”

Jughead moved his hand and looked at Archie dead in the eye. “This had better stay between us, Arch. No one will ever hear about this, especially not Toni and Joaquin. Promise me.”

Archie was nodding furiously at him, wide-eyed. “I swear it.”


	2. The Speakeasy (has a new babe)

“So, do you come here often?” He heard her ask. Both of his eyebrows shot to his hairline, surprised. Was _she_ flirting with _him_? 

Then she winced and he figured she must have misspoken. 

He thought about the question and also winced, but internally. There was no way on earth he was going to answer that question directly, because only with a chance of one in a trillion would it go something like: 

_“Oh no, I’ve only started coming since you showed up.” Cue suggestive eyebrow raise._

_And she would place her hand on her heart and say, “Oh wow, really, I’m so flattered by the attention of someone so handsome and mysterious. Oh wow, you’re also a best-selling author?”_

_Then she would climb up on to the bar and kiss him senselessly before ripping off his clothes and hers._

_Then: a fucking concerto._

_As in: a beautifully conducted masterpiece of fucking.  
Not: a composition for an orchestra and one or more solo instruments, typically in three movements._

_**Ha! Yeah right. Life wasn’t porn. And his odds had never been that good.** _

He responded, “Many of my friends seem to live here.”

She nodded and put Archie’s cocktail on the bench. 

She was so goddamn gorgeous though, and he couldn’t help but stare at her as she started making his drink. He was surprised to see how defined her biceps were under that lace top as she poured the gin. He had the sudden urge to touch her arms and just feel her smooth skin. 

Then she caught him staring and looked at him askance. “Am I doing something wrong?” 

_Was “Not paying me enough attention” a possible response?_

He shook his head.


	3. Settling in (to the fact I’m losing my mind)

“Hey Veronica,” Jughead said, answering her call. 

“What was with you today?” she asked, not bothering with pleasantries. 

“What do you mean?” He knew exactly what she meant, but he didn’t want her to know that. 

“You like Betty don’t you?” She accused him, straight up. “You had this look on your face that I’ve literally never seen before.”

He laughed uncomfortably, feeling very exposed. When he responded, his voice hit a lower octave than he had planned, “I mean yes, clearly, because she is really nice.”

At this, Veronica let out a hoot of laughter, “Oh no! She said the same thing.”

He was suddenly _very_ interested in the conversation. “She said what?”

“Nothing,” Veronica sang, her voice positively dripping with schadenfreude. 

Then she sighed melodramatically, “This is going to take forever isn’t it?”

“What’s going to take forever?” Jughead asked, obtusely. 

He could hear Veronica rolling her eyes; her judgement was deafening.


	4. Locking up (these insane feelings I’m having)

Only his day could go from: _This gorgeous new girl reads Orwell; is she the girl of my dreams?_

To: _Oh my god she’s right there and she’s so close I can smell her shampoo. Holy crap what do I do? If I move I might accidentally touch her and then be a pervert, but I can see her bra and this is honestly killing me. Am I a pervert? Why is this so good and so bad and how can I get more of it or get out of it? Her neck is so close to me and I could practically lick that smooth amazing skin and ahh- she’s shifting – no I have to do something, say something… what if Archie walks in? Oh. My. God. Can I just die here and never have to think about this again?_

“It’s quite hot today!” Betty chirped - angelic, sweet and innocent - above him. “The breeze coming in from the window is very warm.”

_Oh fuck, oh fuck, she can feel my depraved breath across her perfect chest._

“Uh…” he cleared his throat, hating himself so much, willing his voice not to crack, “Betty, the window is, um, closed.”

After that he resolved to only talk to her when there were other witnesses around. He couldn’t trust himself to look at her, because he was afraid of the depths of immorality his mind would take him to, dragging her along with him.


	5. The horn(y) Serpent

He was rigid and throbbing in his tight jeans, all from a smouldering look and watching her pink tongue dart out from glossy lips to lick his finger. 

He felt torn, warring between wanting to know if the woman _\- the pure, gorgeous, sexy woman-_ was single, wanting to fucking spread that frosting all over her body and just lick it off real slow and wanting to get out of there before she realised how fucking depraved and obsessed (with her) he was. 

So he opted for a genuinely bizarre combination of all three, with limited success:  


1\. Tell her he wanted to smother her in frosting and lick it off: _She said it would be a shame. Did she mean that she wanted it or not? Her eyes said yes, but her words were and I am really confused so maybe I’ll just leave it there?_

2\. Wait awkwardly for her to stop thinking about his weird sexual comment and then ask her if she had a boyfriend back in Baltimore, because honestly there was really no way on earth that she could be single: _Oh, huh, single, wow, um, what do I even do now?_

Then she asked him about his relationship status, but he wasn’t really thinking about that, all he was thinking about was the fucking frosting (again). He was imagining spreading frosting across her tits and then licking it off with the flat of his tongue, and enjoying the subsequent sounds of her moaning in pleasure. His dick was so disgracefully hard, and he had to get out of there before she noticed and condemned him.  


3\. And thusly, he ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Admittedly, I just wanted to use "thusly" in my fic :P  
> Hope you're enjoying these awkward, precious moments of our man! hahah


	6. All the pieces (Aka my dignity: torn asunder)

He was constantly aware of her, so when Sweet Pea and Fangs showed up at the bar to talk to her, he watched the start of their awkward exchange melt into fucking _flirtatious banter_ and all he could think about was barging in and pulling Sweet Pea away. 

He knew she wasn’t his, didn’t belong to him – seriously how can he be so fucking basic as to be this possessive, this jealous of her _talking to someone?_

What was wrong with him? Why did Betty Cooper make him crazy like no one else ever had?

But then he saw her laugh and was lost in watching her glow radiantly, wipe away the tears in her eyes, place her hand _on Sweet Pea’s arm_ and he was suddenly no longer smiling at her vivacity, but glaring at Sweet Pea and THE UTTER NERVE of him! How dare he instigate this? How dare he be so charming and hilarious? How dare he sweep in at the 11th hour and make her look _so happy?_

When his red haze of jealousy had cleared slightly from his mind, he realised he was just glaring at Betty, who was now alone at the bar. 

_Fuck, I am a tool._


	7. Welcome to the Thunderdome (can I take your coat and offer you some shortbread?)

Toni and Joaquin looked up from their intense game of snooker when Jughead walked in, fuming, carrying a plate of shortbread cookies. 

“Uh, what happened at Betty’s?” Joaquin asked, while Toni tried to catch his eye, making wild “no, abort!” signs with her hands. 

Jughead eyed the floral plate in his hands, staring at the buttery biscuits as if they had personally offended him. 

“She refused to see that what she did was wrong,” he ground out, roughly.

Toni rolled her eyes elaborately and pocketed a ball. 

He opened the plastic wrapping and took out a piece of shortbread slowly, as if it were a live snake. 

Joaquin and Toni looked on with abject pity as their ridiculous and fearless leader took a bite and moaned loudly in pleasure. 

“What have I done to deserve this?” he lamented around the crumbling biscuit, somewhat histrionically. 

His Serpents shared an alarmed look that slowly morphed into sadistic glee. He did not like where this was going. 

“Dude, are you going to share?” Joaquin enquired, pointing to the plate. 

Jughead scrunched up his face and snarled, petulantly, “No. Back off. She gave them to _me_.”

He stormed out of the room, ignoring their cackles of laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your comments on the last chapters! I've been dying of laughter at all your comments about poor Jughead hahah. 
> 
> This is a shameless plug for my other story, _Summer Shivers_ for those who like Jughead acting like a combination: jealous X stubborn, idealistic mule X dying for it hahahahah. It's very, very romance X sexual tension, so quite different from the suspicion tension of this one, but if that's up your alley, come check it out :)


	8. Freeze (time and rewind it, so I can do it over)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we get to the regularly scheduled angst chapters...

Toni and Cheryl were passionately making out and Jughead felt a deep twinge in his heart, at their fucked up parody of his life. Betty danced just out of reach of him: Making bets with Malachi, running into Ghoulie territory and laughing with Sweet Pea. And: Everyone fucking loved her. He wanted her so badly, but he just felt so far away from her. 

And, to top it all off, she looked like a goddamn fairy princess, furthering even their distinct separation, and he cursed Veronica in his mind, wherever in the bowels of Canada that she-demon lay.

“You two, stop making out,” he ordered brusquely, pointing at Toni and Cheryl. “Betty and I did not…”

 _Didn’t kiss? Is that what you’re going to admit to the entire active Serpent population?_ His consciousness sneered.

“She doesn’t…”

 _What? Doesn’t want you? Is that what you’re going to admit to the entire active Serpent population?_ His consciousness sneered. 

His consciousness was a fucking dick.


	9. Flight (let me leave this godforsaken place)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... and even more angst

Later he was storming out of the Speakeasy with Archie running behind him, yelling, “Jughead, what the hell?” 

He kept walking, feeling Archie catch up and put a steadying hand on his shoulder. He threw him off, denying the proffered support and choosing instead to be unhinged.

Not wanting to face Archie or the fucking _shame_ that was coating his chest, he spoke into the night, hands clenched into fists.

“She keeps putting herself in danger and I am barely there to help her!” He knew he was being irrational. He knew he had just been the biggest asshole in that room, but he was fucking furious, embarrassed and frankly, terrified beyond measure for fear of losing her. 

“She was so close to being preyed on by that fucking piece of shit Malachi, then again nearly ran into him in the sketchy parts of SoDale. She’s so quick; we can barely keep up with her movements. She’s so random; we literally have no idea where she’s going. I am at my fucking wits end with her!”

The edges of his vision were tinged red; he was gasping and angry, thinking to himself: _This is utterly fucked! I have to protect her. That’s all I am. That’s all I can offer. If she doesn’t need that, what would she ever want with me?_


	10. Fight (these goddamn urges)

When he had finally admitted to his dad that he wanted Betty, between yelling, “I don’t care!” like a petulant brat, his dad had laughed softly. 

It had taken so much courage for him to say, “I don’t care about any of that, but I really like her and its confusing.”

He didn’t take his dad’s laughter to heart; they’d been through too much for him to get salty about some surprised reaction. 

But his dad had given him a quick hug and said, “I’m glad you’ve admitted it. Will you talk to her about it?”

He didn’t respond at the time. How could you like someone yet be so utterly infuriated with them? Or were those two things intimately correlated? How could you like someone and continue to be suspicious of their behaviours? Like, one minute she was a sweet gentle dame and then next she was a freaking ninja. 

Or was it he, who was unfairly categorising someone based on their looks, assuming gorgeous women couldn’t be dangerous or violent? But then, if you took away the danger from Betty Cooper, would she really be herself? His head was pounding: Too much fucking philosophy for too late at night. He didn’t need to set off another existential crisis like last week.

He was going to tell her he liked her, but first he needed to apologise for being an absolute wanker. 

When he tested it and told her he wanted to be friends, trying to tease out her feelings, really try to understand what she wanted, her subsequent response had cut him really deep. 

She gave him a radiant smile; reminding him how many worlds apart they were and responded, “It’s okay. We can definitely be friends.”

_Ah fuck._


	11. Volunteer (to die on this hill) as Tribute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my fav one so far, so I hope you like it.

Jughead looked up from his writing as his phone buzzed. He knew he shouldn’t be trying to write a novel in a place that was filled with distractions, but he stayed at his kitchen bench tapping away while Sweet Pea tried to instruct the other Serpents in making cheese soufflé. Jughead could already tell that they’d be having three collapsed ones and one perfect one. But, despite it being his house, he didn’t feel the need to get involved. 

He checked his phone. The text was from Marco. Marco had gone to spend a few days at his mothers’ house in Greendale, getting doted on with good food and care until he felt like he wanted to come back into the fold. 

Marco: **Thanks for giving my number to Betty. She just messaged me! <3 <3 <3 **

Jughead felt a small flare of jealousy which he quashed upon writing his response, **All good Marco – she was just super worried about you. We all are – get better soon!**

He shared a picture of the Serpents trying to master French cooking; hoping Marco would get a laugh out of it. He was sure Marco’s mothers, Gabriella and Ingrid, were in the process of making something significantly superior given they owned a fancy Spanish restaurant in Greendale. Sweet Pea was just an avid Francophile.

Once the soufflés were in the oven, he heard Sweet Pea say, “Oh! Betty texted me! Fangs, check your phone, I think she texted you too.”

Fangs checked his phone, “Yeah she did. She’s formally inviting us to go running with her. Good.”

Jughead, still trying to write, ground his teeth slightly. 

Sweet Pea looked over to him, “You gonna go Fangs?” 

“Yeah, if you are. I don’t think I can go with her alone, she’s too fit,” Fangs admitted wryly.

Sweet Pea laughed in agreement, “She is really hard to keep up with.”

Joaquin interrupted their running conversation, smacking Sweet Pea lightly across the chest, “Betty messaged us too, Toni, in the group chat. Oh my god look at those brownies she made for tonight.”

Toni and Joaquin shared the pictures with the group, drooling. 

“Why did we make soufflés when we could have made brownies?” Toni complained. 

Sweet Pea looked highly affronted, “It’s all about the technique I want you to learn! It’s an art form! Plus Betty clearly loves you both enough to make brownies for you. So it’s a win-win.”

Jughead heard a small growling noise and the Serpents all turned to face him. 

_Oh, the noise is coming from me,_ he thought. 

Toni asked snidely, “Something up, Jones?”

He could hear the unspoken words “your ass” in the mix. His face flamed and he felt so childish when mumbled under his breath and whined, “Betty didn’t text me.”

From the reactions of the other Serpents, he could tell that they were well versed in Jughead-gritted-teeth-talk. 

Toni took pity and reminded him, “She called you this morning.”

Jughead shrugged, feeling stupider by the second. “Yeah but that was about Marco.”

She rolled her eyes and decided to give up on his hopeless case, loudly asking, “What’s next Sweet Pea?”

They started cleaning up his kitchen. A few minutes passed in a clattering cacophony and then Jughead noticed his phone screen had lit up. 

His heart leapt, _Was it Betty?_

He held the phone close as he got another three messages in quick succession. 

He opened his phone and stared dumbly at the four snake emoji messages he had just received from his crew. 

“I fucking hate you snakes,” he groaned. They laughed uproariously.


	12. What a (fucking) ride

_Sweet holy hell, what the fuck just happened here?_ he thought to himself as his whole body coursed with electricity in the aftermath of _her (hot, gorgeous) delectable body_ all over his.

He paused for a moment and caught his breath, letting the whole situation sink in, feeling his heart soar and hearing himself moan piteously. It didn't matter that he had also come with her grinding heedlessly on his cock because now he was _so much more insanely aroused_ than before. 

He was fucking aching all over. He wanted her under his fingertips, wanted to lose himself in her...

These thoughts consumed him as he watched her leave: her looking like a snack in those pretty clothes that he had smeared his greasy hands all over while she gasped for more in his arms. 

_Fuck it was so hot. Who knew she would be so into that?_

When Jughead had finally composed himself, rearranged his sticky underwear, re-tucked and straightened himself up, he walked back to the Serpent circle on the grass. 

Joaquin looked up at him, shielding his eyes from the sun, and asked rhetorically, “Oh, don’t you look pleased with yourself?”

 _Fuck,_ he thought, but failed to quell the smirk that bloomed on his lips. 

Toni looked up and stared at him, eyes wide, “Tell me you did not just defile sweet Betty Cooper on the side of the road!”

Instead of responding, Jughead sat down on the grass and crossed his legs out in front of him. Sweet Pea handed him a beer. Marco looked scandalised. 

“Jughead!” Toni screeched in utter disbelief, with a smile blooming on her face. 

Jughead grinned, gave them all a salute with his beer and took a sip. 

_Desperate._ She had said she was desperate for him.

_Well, then, that changes things._


	13. Confessions (of a leather lover: part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y’all liked yesterday's, so I hope you like today’s ;)  
> Part 1 because at some point in the future, I will do a part 2.  
> Next two (14 & 15) will be up once I have posted ch14 in the main story on Friday.

“What a fucking day!” Jughead cursed out aloud. He just stepped out of the shower, trying to wash away his recurring thoughts of Betty’s insanely hot body, her sweet, intoxicating scent and the _way_ she stared at him: dark and glazed, with that _come fuck me_ look in her beautiful eyes. 

And sweet, graceful hell, did he want to make her scream for him.

He groaned, feeling anxiously aroused, as if nothing but the scorching wetness of her tight little body would take the edge off the knife-edge of _slicing need_ unfurling inside him.

He was towelling his hair dry and noticed Veronica’s name flash up on his lock screen. 

He glared at his phone. “Fuck, something better not have happened to her and Betty, there is no way I can get to Lodge Lodge fast enough.”

He unlocked his phone and clicked into Veronica’s message. She had shared a picture, of what looked like a model of hers by accident. He was about to message her back “???” when he did a double take. 

_Holy fuck._

Jughead groaned again (admittedly, “groan” was a generous term for the pathetic whimper he heard escape him). He stared at himself in the mirror, flushed and wild-eyed with his erection jutting out, demanding his attention. He took a deep, shuddering breath and raked his fingers through his damp hair. 

His eyes went back to the photo of Betty ( _Damn you, Veronica for so acutely knowing my obsession!_ ) for a minute before turning the shower back on and stepping in to the hot steam. 

_That picture of Betty was – holy sinful fuck – how did she have a right to look that delicious in leather? Those thigh high boots… ah… wow… fuck me…please… ___

__He wanted to get on his knees, lift that leather skirt and press his face in between those silky thighs to taste her._ _

__A mental image of her on top of him, in a Serpent’s jacket, came to his mind and his cock throbbed. He grasped himself roughly, imagining her riding him with abandon, golden hair framing her face as she fucked him. She would be impossibly wet for him, just begging for it._ _

__She would whisper, “Why did you make me wait so long? I have been desperate for you” and place his hands on her waist and breasts, where he would dig his fingers into her soft flesh and rock her back and forth – so fast, so fucking relentlessly - until she came so hard that she collapsed on top of him crying out his name._ _

__With a strangled cry, he found his vicious release, splattered over shower walls._ _

__He turned on the cold tap, washed himself off the shower, feeling like he had just violated her trust and resolved not to look at that picture again._ _

__Less than a minute out of the shower and his resolve broke _-was he always this weak?-_ and he was rutting into his hand like a fucking animal, this time imagining her mouth wrapped around his cock and those beautiful green eyes staring at him hungrily. _ _

___Sweet dreams indeed._ _ _


	14. Overwhelmed (by thoughts of you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please read the main chapter first! :)

Sometimes Jughead Jones wondered what Betty Cooper was hiding. 

He wanted to know where she had learnt her insane martial arts moves. When and where did she have time to train if she was supposedly on the run for the past year or so? 

He wanted to know where she had learnt to ride a motorbike. Where would someone whose parents had clearly been over-protective and abusive have permission to learn how to ride a motorbike? In addition, where in _Baltimore_ of all places had she learnt to steer with such precision off-road?

He wanted to know why Malachi listened to her. It was like she was the hidden puppet master to this ghastly play, and the Ghoulies and Serpents danced around her like some dark sorceress. 

He wanted to know what was inside her head. She was clearly smarter than she made herself out to be; the way she responded to him was calculatedly vague. She was controlled, obstinate and defiant. She never gave more details than she needed to, and she knew it. He knew it could be about her trust issues, he knew it could be about her past boyfriends, but what if it were more than that?

But other times, he just wondered if he were good enough for her.

She, who had thrown herself at Malachi to save him. 

She, who had thrown herself at the Ghoulie thugs to save Marco.

She, who made cupcakes for Thomas, baked goods for the rest of the Serpents, who ran with Fangs and Sweet Pea, who schemed and laughed with Veronica, who danced with Joaquin, who sassed back at Toni and who was unfailingly kind and generous to everyone. 

She, for whom he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was never going to be good enough.


	15. The many moods of Jughead Jones: A Dramatic Re-Enactment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jughead confesses his true feelings for Betty, just not in the way anyone expected.
> 
> Set before Chapter 15: Halloween Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all told me how much you loved the first re-enactment, so I thought I would torture Jughead some more for your pleasure.

“Serpents! It’s so lovely of you to come visit my gothic manor!” Cheryl teased, passing out beers to the Serpents lounging on her expensive furniture.

“Not at all!” Marco said excitedly, “We haven’t seen you for ages Cheryl! It’s nice to hang out.”

“Ah yes, I have been quite busy with maple-related happenings, you know? Those Canadian maple cartels are quite bloodthirsty,” Cheryl breezed, waving her arm dismissively. 

Jughead did not know anything about the maple trade, but if that was anything like gang stuff he could empathise. 

Toni looked over at her in concern, “Is everything going alright?”

Cheryl’s red lips curved into a smile, “More or less.” She rang a bell and a maid appeared. “Courtney, remember you made that delicious looking cake for our guests?”

Her eyebrows twitched up and Jughead didn’t miss the way she shared a look with Toni, who was rubbing her hands together gleefully. 

_Why is she so excited about cake? That’s my thing!_ Jughead thought irately, shaking his head. 

The Serpents made noises of approval, drooling and excitement as Courtney brought the decadent chocolate mud cake to the table, which had delicate white chocolate hearts and chocolate covered strawberries dotted through the thick fudgy icing. 

Jughead’s mouth watered and his heart hammered in his chest in eagerness of the sweet deliciousness that sat before him. 

If he were paying closer attention, he would have noticed Cheryl’s smile sharpen and Toni’s look of anticipatory delight. But as it was, he only had eyes for Courtney’s looming display of chocolatey decadence. 

Cheryl dished out huge pieces and all the Serpents tucked in. 

“Oh my god,” Jughead said, moaning around his fork. “Cheryl, this is the best cake I’ve ever tasted in my life,” Jughead confessed and Toni and Cheryl shared indecipherable glances. 

“Yeah it’s amazing,” Marco said, sighing as he took another bite, “I think I am in love with this cake.”

Cheryl smirked and kicked Sweet Pea from behind the coffee table. “What do you think, Sweet?”

Jughead cast a glance at Sweet Pea, and noticed that he was staring at his slice with a lovesick expression on his face.

“Guys,” he said, enunciating slowly, flicking his eyes quickly to Cheryl who nodded encouragingly. “I have an announcement to make.”

The five remaining Serpents turned and looked at him, expectedly. 

“I think I’m going to tell Betty that I’m in love with her,” he said, his glazed eyes scanning the table to see their reactions.

Jughead’s first though was: _What the fuck?_

Then: _What kind of sick joke is this?_

Then: _If this is not a sick joke, do I have to fight Sweet Pea for Betty? Should I just get rid of him now? What if Betty loves Sweet Pea and then hates me forever… oh my god this is literally the worst… Sweet Pea likes cars, he’s taller, he runs with Betty, he makes her laugh… she will certainly choose him!_

Jughead resolved that Sweet Pea needed to die. 

Sweet Pea let out a longing sigh, failing to notice the incredulous faces of his friends, “She’s the most beautiful girl in the world. She’s so perfect.”

The whole room erupted. 

“What the fuck!” Jughead yelled, aloud now, but his voice was drowned out by a similar response. 

Marco was running his hands through his hair, “She is my forever girl! I just want to be close to her and smell her.” 

Jughead’s eyes widened. _Well, at least I knew about that particular rival._

They all turned to Toni as she groaned loudly, “I know what you mean, guys.” She too, had a glazed look in her eyes when she spoke, “But honestly, she’s so hot and oh my god her _curves_ are fucking delicious looking and I just want to get my hands and mouth all over that fucking tight little body of hers and just ravish her against a wall.”

“What the fuck?” Jughead repeated, head spinning at the thought of new competition, “I thought you loved Cheryl?” He looked to Cheryl, desperate for confirmation that he was not going utterly insane.

Cheryl’s eyes were wide as she took Toni’s hand and nodded sympathetically. “Babe, I totally understand. How can you compare an _angel_ with a mere mortal such as myself? Jughead, try to make sense when you speak your words.”

Jughead just stared at her, dumbfounded. Cheryl would _never_ talk about herself like that.

Toni continued lasciviously, “And she may be an angel, but there’s nothing more that I want to do than pull on that glossy, perfect blonde hair of hers and just watch it tumble out while she crawls over me naked, begging for me to take her and make her mine.”

Cheryl moaned and muttered something like, “I want to press my face into her tits.” 

Jughead was disturbingly aroused. He slapped himself on both cheeks and said firmly, “Guys, cut this out. It isn’t fucking drama class.” 

Next to him, Joaquin sighed heavily, eyes forlorn. 

Jughead turned to him, alarmed, “Are you okay, Joaquin?”

“No,” Joaquin wailed, hand over his forehead like a Regency protagonist suffering from the vapours. “I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough.”

His eyes were swimming with tears and he looked at Jughead beseechingly. 

“Good enough for what, Joaquin?” Jughead asked through gritted teeth, dreading the response. His heart was thudding sickeningly in his chest. 

“For her,” whispered Joaquin, dramatically. “For my love, Betty Cooper.”

“What the fuck?” Jughead said angrily, “And here I thought you were GAY?”

“What are you talking about?” Joaquin said, looking really confused, “Why on earth would you think that?”

Jughead gave a strangled cry of frustration as he grabbed his beanie with both hands, “Because you’re with Kevin!” 

Joaquin laughed and patted him on the arm. “I think you’re confused. But so am I to be honest,” he moaned piteously, “I love her so much, but I am nothing, no one, just some fucking gang member from a fucked up town. What would she ever see in me? Why would she ever want me?”

Marco joined in with the veritable choir of lamentation, defeatism and self-pity. Jughead just wanted to run screaming from this pile of weeping, angsty, sex-crazed Serpents who all seemed to be obsessed with Betty. 

He turned to Fangs and said, “I’m glad you’re not joining in with this.”

Fangs turned to him and nodded slowly, a contemplative expression on his face. “Well, I just don’t trust her. I’m not going to moan about it.”

“Huh?” he said, stupidly.

“I don’t trust Betty,” Fangs enunciated clearly, “I don’t know her well enough. She’s super stubborn and doesn’t accept help from anyone. She has done some really shady stuff since coming to this town and I just can’t put my finger on why. Her beauty is clearly a distraction for something - but what? What am I missing? I need more time to brood and analyse.”

Jughead sat back and stared at them all, feeling a horrible coldness slide through him. 

He heard Sweet Pea waxing lyrical about Betty’s face, Toni making positively pornographic remarks about Betty’s tits, Fangs whispering his suspicions and how she needed to accept he knew better, and Marco and Joaquin weeping into each other crying about how much they loved her and how they’d never be good enough for someone so amazing. 

He took in that whole scene and thought, with a deep sense of mortification. _Holy fucking shit. Just kill me now. They are all pretending to be me._

Cheryl pursed her red, glossy lips and said, “I think you should stop eating the cake. It’s encouraging them.”

So she was trying to turn him off cake now, too? The sheer audacity!

“It’s not a fucking spelled cake, Cheryl, for fuck’s sake,” Jughead spat, humiliated beyond recognition.

Cheryl raised both her eyebrows and tossed her hair replicating a move he had seen countless times in high school. “Well why else would they all be confessing your feelings for Betty?”

Jughead screamed internally, and then for improved dramatic effect, externally, “These fucking dramatic re-enactments are going too far Cheryl!”

Cheryl cackled, tapping her red fingernails together like a witch. “But honestly Jughead, someone needs to shake some fucking sense into you.”

Jughead sneered back. “And you think _this_ is the best way to go about it? Because it worked so fucking well last time?”

Cheryl shrugged and grinned at him. “To be completely honest though, it’s not really my problem you don’t have a good grasp on expressing yourself.”

The rest of the Serpents looked at him with smirks on their faces.

Jughead let his head fall back as he stared at the high ceiling, wondering, _How is this my life?_

“You are all literally the worst.”

He ignored their hoots of laughter and ate the rest of his cake in sulking, shameful silence.


	16. Minutes from the Serpents' Emergency Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is based on the line in Chapter 15 of the main story: _Archie nodded, “No doubt. So are you going to sort this whole thing out or are the Serpents and I going to have to chain you and Betty together naked to make this happen?”_
> 
> Sweet Pea’s secretary notes (G&G style). :P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to **babybluue8** for this idea that just ran away with me!

Emergency meeting called by Toni Topaz (esteemed and deadly treasurer). 

**Excluded:** Jughead Jones (Serpent King and Leader Who Only Fears The Blonde Berserker)

 **Attendees:**  
Toni Topaz (Hon. Treasurer)  
Sweet Pea (The Loveable Rogue)  
Fangs (The Silver-Tongued Prince)  
Marco (The Littlest Soufflé)  
Joaquin (The Gargoyle King)

 **Additional guests, non party members:**  
Archie Andrews (The Red Paladin)  
Veronica Lodge – present via video conference (The Puppet Master)  
Cheryl Blossom (Lady of Chaos)

 **Topic proposed by Hon. Treasurer:** Getting Serpent King and Blonde Berserker to BANG AND WITH FEROCITY 

_(Game Master style notes: capitalisation used to indicate volume of speech)_

_The Red Paladin turns to the scenario board and looks at previous suggestions. Let the record show that his expression is incredulous and concerned for the mental sanity of those involved the scenario/war-room planning._

**The Red Paladin:** So what can we try next? 

**Lady of Chaos:** I vote torture

_Let the record show the glee in her eyes and tone. The Red Paladin shudders._

**The Puppet Master:** That did not go well last time Cheryl. I think it made it worse

 **The Littlest Soufflé:** Jughead was so upset with us! I think we embarrassed him 

**Lady of Chaos:** Honestly, this whole thing is hilarious because Betty –

 **The Loveable Rogue:** The Blonde Berserker

 **Lady of Chaos:** Fuck Sweet! Put whatever you want in those fucking minutes, no one reads them anyway

_Let the record show the OUTRAGE around the room at these words._

**Hon. Treasurer:** Legit. Just don’t email them to Jughead please

 **The Loveable Rogue:** But this is an ART FORM!

 **The Silver-Tongued Prince:** Jughead is probably freaking out because he has been desperate to control her and save her this whole time and now he’s realised that she’s a _tour de force_ \- Did I use that right Sweet Pea? – and he’s suddenly been swept into this unstoppable vortex of desire with no constraints but his own word 

**The Gargoyle King:** He’s hot for her and she blows his mind. He wishes she would just blow him instead 

**Lady of Chaos:** Ha ha! Thanks for translating Joaquin

 **The Red Paladin:** Oh right, that’s very insightful Fangs, thank you. So Jughead now has no excuses but his own fear? 

**The Silver-Tongued Prince:** This is based purely on conjecture, but I would surmise at this point, there are no more barriers…

 **The Gargoyle King:** Except CLOTHES

 **Lady of Chaos:** Good point. Shall we strip them and lock them in a room?

 **Hon. Treasurer:** Better idea! We _chain_ them together naked! 

_Let the record show Hon. Treasurer has already procured a length of chain and is stroking it, crooning like a dragon with gold. The Red Paladin looks alarmed._

**The Red Paladin:** How about I just talk to him? You know… no torture, no games… just straight up tough love?

 **The Puppet Master:** Mmm that’s hot 

**Lady of Chaos:** Nah, I vote chains

 **Hon. Treasurer:** Babe, you just GET me

_Let the record show Hon. Treasurer and Lady of Chaos have started their regular PDA session._

 **The Red Paladin:** Please? If it doesn’t work at Ronnie's Halloween party, then you can chain them together okay?

 **Lady of Chaos:** So you’re saying that you can make it happen tonight?

 **Hon. Treasurer:** Or we get to chain them together naked?

 **The Gargoyle King:** Oh lol I have the best idea to throw him so off his game that even Archie won’t be able to bring him back

 **Hon. Treasurer:** I am keen for that. I want chains! 

**The Red Paladin:** No wonder Jughead always calls you guys “the worst”

 **The Gargoyle King:** We all have reputations, Red 

**Lady of Chaos:** Plus coming from that control freak, it’s the highest of compliments

_Let the record show that the name “Lady of Chaos” was not chosen at random._

**The Red Paladin:** Okay fine, you’re on 

_A ritualistic blood pact ensues._

/endceremony


	17. Cloak Room Conjecture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Serpents discuss what happens when Betty and Jughead make their way to the cloak room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fantastic prompt from **DreamWalkLady**! Thank you babe <3

“I don’t think the chains will be necessary,” Veronica sang to the group of Serpents mixing drinks, dragging Archie behind her. She turned and gave him an adoring look. “My Archiekins came through for his best guy!”

Archie blushed and put his arm around her waist.

Cheryl snorted, “You cannot be serious V! Jughead ploughed Betty on the dance floor just then? And there are witnesses?”

Veronica laughed and shook her head. “No, they just kissed and snuck into the cloak room.”

Cheryl made an impatient sound. “They could be doing anything in there.”

“What, like playing cards?” Sweet Pea smirked. “What do you think Jughead is going to do to Betty in the cloak room? I bet he’s in a wild tussle for dominance with her now. They are probably tearing each other apart. We all know how crazy she makes him.”

Marco looked like he wanted to cover his ears with his hands and sing “LA LA LA LA” really loudly so he couldn’t listen to the conversation of the many ways in which Jughead Jones was giving it to Betty Cooper.

“Do you think she’s tied him up somehow and is whipping him?” Joaquin said with a dreamy expression on his face. “I’d pay to see someone make him sexually submit.”

Cheryl tittered, “My point precisely Joaquin! We have no idea what’s going on in that room. Betty could be _pegging_ him, reading a fucking picture book to him for his bedtime or using him as a punching bag for all we know.”

“What I’m hearing loud and clear here is that the chain-them-together-naked situation is still on, right?” Toni looked between everyone with excitement. 

Cheryl grabbed Toni's faced and kissed her with ferocity, moaning against her mouth. “Fuck, you're so good at subtext babe.”

“Oh delicious,” Joaquin purred, “Then we could watch Serpent King submit to Betty-,”

“Blonde Berserker,” Sweet Pea cut in, unhelpfully.

“In real life, while being chained.” Joaquin finished, rubbing his hands together in glee. “Yes, that would be delightful. I think Betty would be more relaxed with it than Jughead. She has nerves of steel that woman.”

“Yeah,” Sweet Pea agreed, “You should have seen the way she kicked those Ghoulies out of her yard on Monday. Like one minute Malachi’s all in her business and the next minute he’s grovelling…”

“Mmm,” Cheryl hummed, “So are we betting on the pegging thing then?”

“Nah Cheryl, babe, hold firm,” Joaquin insisted. “I’m with you and Toni, we have no idea until we get visual confirmation.”

Fangs nodded, sipping his whiskey. “I think when she called him “fucking hot” in front of all of us, he sort of just snapped. I agree with Sweet Pea’s earlier hypothesis on the fight for dominance. I'm not sure who would win though. Jughead is unhinged and Betty is reckless. It would be a fascinating fight.”

“One we should force them to do in real life!” Joaquin insisted, banging his hand on the drinks table.

Archie looked at Fangs thoughtfully and naturally, ignored Joaquin, “Yeah. I think our conversation in the cloak room before was really helpful too. He finally got to talk without the lot of you torturing him.”

“Boo!” Cheryl dismissed him emphatically, “What’s the point of all this now Archie? We can’t do anything with this beige information!”

Joaquin raised both eyebrows and took a shot of something greenish, then winced and smacked his chest. “Archie raises a good point though.”

“What!?” Cheryl and Toni shrieked, “You fucking turncoat!”

Joaquin smirked and said, “Well Archie and Jughead could have also been fucking in the cloak room, for all we know.”

Archie spluttered around his beer, “What the hell?”

“True,” Cheryl grinned and flipped her red hair to stare at Archie. “Were you?”

Archie gasped and said, “No I wasn’t!”

“Prove it!” Toni said, jabbing her finger at Archie.

“How?” Archie screeched loudly, looking wildly disturbed, like they were going to demand he undress and inspect his dick or something.

“My point precisely,” Joaquin said with a sassy pursed-lips-smile. “Chains are still on the table.”

Archie looked on in horror as the Serpents chorused “NAKED IN CHAINS!” and danced around him in their BDSM outfits. 

“Every fucking year,” Archie whispered, mostly to himself. Veronica giggled helplessly from the sidelines.


	18. Fanfiction Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *** At some point in the future (after Halloween)***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to **redcirce** whose comment inspired me to write this nonsense.
> 
> Also this chapter talks about pegging. So you know.

Sweet Pea cleared his throat and looked around at the waiting Serpents. He pitched his voice deep and boomed, “Night had fallen; the kind of darkness that envelops but does not comfort. The Serpent King stands in a clearing illuminated by faint moonlight and waits, watching for her... She, who moves as silently as a feather and with the agility of a wild cat, is out for the Serpent King’s blood. He was entranced by her power and kept trying to capture her as his own, but the Blonde Berserker bows to no being; she is unconquerable and she is out to eviscerate him. It will be a fight to the death...”

Cheryl rolled her eyes and snorted, “Omg Sweet, how much purple prose are you going to write before they fuck?”

Sweet Pea shook his head in abject disappointment. “Cheryl, despite this being a one-shot, I honestly think it’s important to create some tension in the story. What are they doing? Why do they want to fuck so badly? Why are they out to destroy each other? Thirsty readers want to know. They want something that they can visualise, something visceral. They want to imagine what happens afterwards. You can’t just be like “Betty shoved her strap-on into Jughead’s ass and he came.” So basic my dear.”

Cheryl looked down at her page and sighed heavily. “Urgh fine! Let me just re-word some shit and I’ll come back to you.”

Joaquin smirked, “Let me try?” 

Sweet Pea gestured towards him regally. “Please Joaquin, I would love to hear.”

Joaquin straightened his shoulders and started, “Betty stares at Jughead butt-naked and spread-eagled, chained to an x-shaped wooden post and smirks delightedly.”

Sweet Pea closed his eyes and hummed. “Mmm yes, I can picture it Joaquin. Very evocative. Is he chained with his back to the post or his front?”

Joaquin looked at his page and said, “Ahh front, so like, his back is facing Betty. She’s going to whip him.”

Sweet Pea nodded encouragingly. “Perfect, perfect. Carry on!”

Joaquin continued with relish, “She looks over her prisoner and strokes her lithe fingers down his spine, which is glistening with sweat.”

“Mm such adjectives!” Sweet Pea made a pleased noise. “Parfait!”

Joaquin grinned, “She purrs in his ear, “I’m going to make you pay for every little moment in which you tried to control me, follow me or protect me. I’m going to make you bow to me, Serpent King.” Jughead whimpers and snarls back, “I will never submit!” Betty laughs and snaps her cat o’ nine tails to the floor menacingly. The sound makes Jughead flinch, rattling his chains.”

“Ahh the tension! So real! I can just imagine it!” Sweet Pea fanned himself. He leaned forward, hands in prayer position, resting against his lips in anticipation of Joaquin’s story. “Please continue!”

Joaquin smirked, “And then, Betty shoves her strap-on into Jughead’s ass and he comes.”

“GAH!” Sweet Pea exclaimed in shock, his hand clapped over his mouth.

Cheryl cackled loudly, “Perfect end to a perfect story, Joaquin. No notes!”

Joaquin chuckled, “Aw thanks babe, I thought you'd enjoy!”

“You guys! I feel so violated by this travesty you have wrought on me, not to mention Jughead and Betty.” Sweet Pea lamented loudly, hands over his face, “The art of it: Ruined!”

They doubled over with laughter and threw their balled up pieces of paper at him without ceremony. 

Sweet Pea picked up their stories and said with a shrug, “Some strong bones in these… shame to let them go completely to waste...Someone on the internet will enjoy, I am sure.”

Turned out that Jughead wasn’t the only writer in the Serpents' lair.


End file.
